I had a ton of ideas about what it would mean to be a wife. That it would mean that I'd have to stop complaining. That I'd have to suddenly change my entire disposition and stop being so particular, so critical, such a perfectionist. That I'd have to muster patience that I don't naturally have or develop a gentle spirit that is antithetical to my sense of urgency in "getting things done." In some subconscious headspace, I told myself that I would have to smooth over all of my rough edges all at once and that I would have to somehow dilute my intensity in order to keep us emotionally afloat.
There were two major errors in my thinking. 1) In trying to change my fundamental nature, I must have somehow forgotten that those were some of the characteristics that made you want to marry me in the first place. Sorry about that. 2) I arrogantly thought that the burden of every responsibility rested squarely upon my shoulders.
I am guilty of that in a lot of different aspects of my life, not just in our marriage. I am guilty of self-reliance-to-a fault. In short, I am guilty of thinking that if I don't do something, that means that it isn't going to get done.
If I don't do the dishes, no one will ever do the dishes.
If I don't worry about the money, no one will ever worry about the money.
If I don't ask you a thousand times to do something, you won't remember to do it.
If I don't think about the future, neither of us will ever think about the future.
Self-reliance has always been extremely important to me. It has always been very important to be capable of everything (and more) that I ask of other people. But sometimes I get very carried away with this and I forget that by refusing to let you shoulder any of the responsibility, I am refusing to recognize you as your own moral agent, as an adult and as my husband.
I am sorry that I have been operating under the assumption that if you don't do something exactly the way I would, that you must be doing it wrong.
I am sorry for assuming that you aren't as concerned with things as I am.
I am sorry for being so arrogant as to think that I am the only person in our partnership capable of shouldering the load, so to speak.
I'm a big believer in psych-somatic symptoms and it was very humbling that when I found myself with a thrown-out back (some might say as a result of physical exertion, but perhaps it was a universal check for thinking that I am strong enough to carry everything in the world all by myself) this weekend, I also found myself unable to do anything. I had to have faith in the fact that you would be the one doing everything and that I would just have to lay there on a bag of frozen peas and let you.
Of course, you did. You took care of every responsibility that needed to be taken care of. You made sure I had everything I needed. You even went out of your way to try to cheer me up when I got frustrated about not being able to do everything alone. You let me be ridiculous and you loved me anyways. I don't know what I thought would happen if I ever just let go and waited to see how things panned out. I think on the fear-based side of things, I just pictured empty food containers, hungry cats and dirty dishes.
So please accept my open apology to you for selling you short. In the future, I am going to be better at sharing our responsibilities and at allowing to do things on your own time and in your own way.
I love you,
-Your Wife
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